What do I know? Well I can make a mean glass of water. I know how to procrastinate like a pro. I know as much as what a girls eyebrows mean due to my insane internet addiction. What I know may mean a lot of things, but the one thing I know powers the rest. Let's start over. Hi, I'm Makenna Lane, proud owner of this essay. Basically I know a lot of things. I am currently training to be an expert in life, but I deeply struggle with my perspective on myself. I can't know everything if I can't deal with the fact that someone may not like me, I'm paranoid. Everytime I talk to my friends usually a statement is thrown out there and I question and interrogate this little remark in my head until it comes to the end result: I'm too annoying, they hate me, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid... It is a serious struggle because within minutes, no, seconds, I will go to the back of the group and shut up until we hear the little chimes to go back to class. Why do I do this? I can't help it. I do it with my family as well. I genuinely don't mean to, but the little voices just repeat themselves, "I'm too annoying, they hate me, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid..." Most days I don't feel like getting up to do anything because I know at the end of the day I'll go back to feeling like crap and just want to crawl into a ball and pretty much die. "No one cares, they never liked you, they just feel your pity, you're even too fat. Oink oink." My family will make the slightest remark and I just sit there a bawl. I bawl until it hurts. I can't deal with it. Most days I don't feel like getting up to do anything. I am now so self conscious I can't even be myself in my classes. I don't speak, and when I do I get hushed. I love talking to teachers, and to the class. I would love to show off what I know, but the voices return, "that's not the correct answer, how could you not understand that problem, idiot! Wow I bet everyone who is staring at your right now is looking at all your fat and your hideous pimples. You will never be a good writer, so stop now!" This has been happening since the fifth grade. So tmi, but there was this guy and I liked him a lot. We had been talking for quite a while and was so ecstatic when he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. So little me had a little boyfriend, and I couldn't be happier. That was until a few days into the relationship his best friend came up to me and made me feel like such an object. I never felt more humiliated until he said "you know he is only dating you for your butt, right?" and I turned so red. The little boy was over there just hanging out, not giving a damn and I just sat there looking at this little butthole who made me feel the first feeling of self consciousness I have in memory. This was only the first of many times I had to question myself. I can't do anything without feeling so upset about the tiny details. I have been through alot, with people always playing mind games and not telling me what they really think, leaving me to be heart broken in the end. Now that I have had a solid friend group for a while, these recurring thoughts and voices keep appearing, and I have never been more superstitious about what people are saying because generally I don't want to lose what I have. I know a lot, but what I am learning is how to cope with paranoia. Hi, I'm Makenna Lane and I have yet to know.
Let's start over. Hi, I'm Makenna Lane, proud owner of this essay. Basically I know a lot of things. I am currently training to be an expert in life, but I deeply struggle with my perspective on myself. I can't know everything if I can't deal with the fact that someone may not like me, I'm paranoid. Everytime I talk to my friends usually a statement is thrown out there and I question and interrogate this little remark in my head until it comes to the end result: I'm too annoying, they hate me, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid... It is a serious struggle because within minutes, no, seconds, I will go to the back of the group and shut up until we hear the little chimes to go back to class.
Why do I do this? I can't help it. I do it with my family as well. I genuinely don't mean to, but the little voices just repeat themselves, "I'm too annoying, they hate me, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid..." Most days I don't feel like getting up to do anything because I know at the end of the day I'll go back to feeling like crap and just want to crawl into a ball and pretty much die. "No one cares, they never liked you, they just feel your pity, you're even too fat. Oink oink." My family will make the slightest remark and I just sit there a bawl. I bawl until it hurts. I can't deal with it.
Most days I don't feel like getting up to do anything. I am now so self conscious I can't even be myself in my classes. I don't speak, and when I do I get hushed. I love talking to teachers, and to the class. I would love to show off what I know, but the voices return, "that's not the correct answer, how could you not understand that problem, idiot! Wow I bet everyone who is staring at your right now is looking at all your fat and your hideous pimples. You will never be a good writer, so stop now!"
This has been happening since the fifth grade. So tmi, but there was this guy and I liked him a lot. We had been talking for quite a while and was so ecstatic when he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. So little me had a little boyfriend, and I couldn't be happier. That was until a few days into the relationship his best friend came up to me and made me feel like such an object. I never felt more humiliated until he said "you know he is only dating you for your butt, right?" and I turned so red. The little boy was over there just hanging out, not giving a damn and I just sat there looking at this little butthole who made me feel the first feeling of self consciousness I have in memory. This was only the first of many times I had to question myself.
I can't do anything without feeling so upset about the tiny details. I have been through alot, with people always playing mind games and not telling me what they really think, leaving me to be heart broken in the end. Now that I have had a solid friend group for a while, these recurring thoughts and voices keep appearing, and I have never been more superstitious about what people are saying because generally I don't want to lose what I have.
I know a lot, but what I am learning is how to cope with paranoia. Hi, I'm Makenna Lane and I have yet to know.